January 21, 2025

Wow. I completely forgot I ever created this blog but stumbled upon it this morning. What fun to read and remember. Honestly, we forget so much! Journaling has gone out of style—or maybe it has simply changed forms these days. Now people who want to "journal" do it on Facebook or Instagram. My preference is this quiet, hidden-in-the-corner little blog that no one reads or would ever find. There, but not there, really. 

I've stopped writing altogether in these past years. I've stopped writing and, in reality, stopped thinking and feeling. I know it's true, and it's not healthy, but I don't know what to do about it. 

My first blog, Small Dog, Tall Weeds, seems to have disappeared into cyberspace. I wrote more polished thoughts there, not everyday musings. And honestly, I actually liked much of what I wrote there, so it's too bad it's gone missing. I thought things on the internet never went away—isn't that the ubiquitous warning? But this seems to have honestly gone away. I reached out to Google for help retrieving the content, but not surprisingly, I never heard back. Maybe I should try again. 

Life has changed dramatically since 2018. L is married and pregnant with her second child. Her first child, C, is a year old as of yesterday. So, these kids will only be 13.5 months apart. Precious! But intense. Especially because, while her dancing days are done, she is now the artistic director of her ballet company, she is very much in need of caregivers. As a grandmother, a very weighty and exhausting blessing, indeed!!! I watch C two days per week.

D is married with one child, Z, that I watch three full days per week. And I am working a remote job—technically full-time, but in practice, only part time. And there is always T. He needs a wife to attend to him occasionally! So, life is full.

For the sake of completeness, B is married, no children, living in Chicago. R is dating a sweet gal, no marriage or kids for him yet.

It's great, but in the fullness, I feel like I have lost myself. Have I? I reread what I wrote in this simple, boring little blog, and I enjoy my writer's voice. I enjoy my voice. That's the way I felt about Small Dog, Tall Weeds. I would feel almost ashamed of it when I was away from it, but then I'd come back and reread what I'd written and feel proud and happy. 

I think I will reach out to Google again to try to get it back. And I think I will type here as well. 

The thing about Small Dog is that it did feel a little more public. This is truly, truly private. No one knows about it. 

Yesterday was MLK day, so I was off watching Z. The long weekend was nice. But, as of 11:30 am today, the treadmill begins again. L will drop off C for babysitting until 6:30 or so, when I will drop her back off at the studio. Home around 7:30 pm, wrap up work, and then to bed for 5:45 am wake up to get to D's house to babysit Z.

The thing is, I do have time. I get home and I do decompress, but my decompression is truly wasted time. What I crave is time alone. So when I get a few minutes to myself, I squander the time on Instagram or podcasts. They are my escape. I hate that I waste that time. I want to be productive—memory verses, writing, exercise. But I feel desperate to be left alone, not with another duty or obligation or commitment making a claim on me. 

But stream-of-consciousness writing is a happy place for me, as it is for many women. Now that I've rediscovered this old rag, maybe I'll become a more frequent visitor. 

In keeping with the theme of this blog, this is my happy moment for the day: that I stumbled upon this blog have been reunited with my old blogging self.

P.S. - Great news! I found Small Dog! Duh! I was looking for it in the wrong gmail account. Google is off the hook for deleting it. 😉 Double happy moment!

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Today's happy moment was really more of a thankful moment, and a terrible moment for someone else.  I was on my way to church in Detroit, traveling in the middle lane along the Lodge Freeway, which has cement walls on either side.  Another car about two car lengths ahead of me was in the right lane, minding its own business.  Suddenly, it began fishtailing wildly and crashed into the right wall.  Then it spun around, flew across all three lanes of traffic and crashed into the left wall where it finally stopped. 

Somehow, miraculously, everyone around managed to avoid a collision.  For my part, when I saw his car begin to fishtail, I braked slightly just to slow down.  Everyone else around me must have done the same that the lanes were clear as he flew across.

It was a terrible feeling to drive on!  I wasn't quite sure what to do.  For one thing, I was in the middle lane, right on top of the crash.  By the time I could have gotten over to the shoulder, I would have been 100 yards beyond.  Added to that, I was in downtown Detroit, and there wasn't much of a shoulder anyway.  And, I'm a woman.  As I drove by, I could see the driver still upright behind the steering wheel.  He looked okay.  And in my rearview mirror I saw a couple other cars pulling over. 

So, I am thankful to not have gotten hit myself.  I am thankful that he appeared to be okay.  And I am thankful that other cars did pull over to help him out!

April 28, 2018

Good day, sweet blog.  Today's happy moment was definitely seeing Robert for breakfast.  It was a bright, beautiful (albeit cool) day, and it was wonderful to connect with my young man of mystery.  I am not usually one for praise music, but today I got into it on the two-hour drive out there.  That was fun.

Today is a good day to remember the good moments because generally speaking, it has been a day of bad moments.  On the way home from visiting Robert, an hour of the two-hour drive was spent on the phone with David in Mexico.  It was a difficult conversation.  He is in a bad relationship, and I told him he was doomed to a life of misery if he didn't find the courage to break it off.  Sounds out of line for a mother to tell that to her son, but the situation is extreme, and I am not the only one telling him that.  I am panicked for him.

I sad as I am to see David sad, I suppose it can be construed as a good moment -- just that I had the opportunity to speak frankly to him.  So, there we go.  Good, but not happy.

April 27, 2018

I am recording today's good moment on Saturday, April 28, a day late, in retrospect.  I was supposed to go to see Robert for a visit yesterday, Friday, the 27th.  I try to get out and do that every few months just to stay in touch with this elusive kid.  I had hoped to go for lunch, but he texted the day before and said he wouldn't be free until 5:00.  That disappointed me.  It meant driving in the later afternoon, competing with the Friday night dinner crowd for a restaurant, and then driving home in the dark.  But in talking to him, he seemed happy that I was coming, so I talked myself into going.  I actually took off around 1:00 thinking I'd settle into a coffee shop and do some work on the computer, so if he got done (with his last final, a take home test) early, I'd be available.

Luckily, I texted him to let him know the plan as I was filling up with gas before I left town.  I told him I was heading out early and would be waiting at a Panera.  He responded that now it looked like he wouldn't be done until closer to 6:00.  Bummer.

But something more than just a bummer.  Something just felt off about going at all.  Something told me to beg off and find another time to go next week.  So I called him, and we decided on the next morning (today) instead.

Turns out he had a real problem in finishing this test.  He actually had to contact the professor and ask for an extension, and he didn't end up finishing until 11 pm.  Can you imagine how anxious and frustrated he would have been if he knew I had driven two hours and was waiting for him?

So, I choose that to be the happy moment of April 27, even though it is a hindsight happy.  I am so thankful that (for once) I listened to that still small voice, that little nudge in my spirit that I so often overrule.  I would like to think it was the Holy Spirit.  Well, no apologies.  I do think it was the Holy Spirit.

April 26, 2018

It is morning, but I posted yesterday morning as well, so yesterday's happy moment was never chosen.  So, I am doing a bit of catch-up, being a touch out of sync.  You won't mind though, will you?

My happy moment yesterday was binge watching Call the Midwife with Isabelle last night.  Really, it was more of a happy five hours, if you can believe we actually watched that many!  I love that show.  I absolutely love Sister Julienne especially.  She is my super hero; I want to be just like her.  <sigh>  And I love the rest of the characters too.  I think that show is genius.  Just genius.  How can you have so many good hearts all in one show and have any plot at all?  But they do it!  All protagonists, no antagonists, and it works.  I guess it's because life itself provides enough antagonism without needing characters to do it for us.

That was yesterday's happy moment.  So much so that I am having trouble getting it out of my head as I sit here this morning trying to have a quiet time. 

I also had a lovely time at the park with Oliver.  I hope to have a repeat of that again today!

So, off to have a quiet time, and then find another happy moment for this day, although I did have a happy moment already.  Robert texted me this morning.  That is always a happy moment!  I may run out to GR tomorrow to take him out for lunch if he has time.  He says he will let me know tonight if that will work.  Typical Robert -- no indication whatsoever of any surrounding circumstances.  Not even the merest glimpse into his life or world.  And if I do run out there for lunch, I will certainly carry the conversation, blathering on and on about the murky meanderings of my own mind.  My hope, my goal, as always, is to warm him up enough that he will share even a small tidbit of himself -- his thoughts, his life -- with me, but that doesn't always happen.  And I will be content with a warm rapport, with the knowledge that he knows I love him, that I value time with him enough that I am willing to spend a full four times as many minutes in the car to get there and back as I do in conversation with him.  I want him to know that I am willing, even eager, to do that just for the opportunity to be with him.  If he knows I love him I am content; if I come away feeling like he loves me and enjoys my company, I am especially happy.  (I know he loves me.  I hope he likes me.)

Ta ta for now!  I'm off to do my best impersonation of Sister Julienne today.  I'll be back to let you know how it goes.  =)

April 25, 2018: Happy Moments Reinstated

Good morning!  Years have gone by since I have even visited this little blog.  So much has changed in my life's situation, and this blog missed it all.  Yesterday I applied for a job as a Writing Coach with a company called Brave Writer.  In the process of trying to convince them I could actually string words together to make a cohesive sentence, I revisited some old blogs: my "flagship" blog, smalldogtallweeds.com, and mydogistoofat.blogspot.com.  Mydogistoofat barely got off the ground before I abandoned it because it had to do with me being excited about weight loss and exercise -- a fact which doomed it from the beginning.  I included it in the application process though because the first couple posts were kind of cute.  I didn't include this one because 1) it is very personal and revealing, and 2) I had no confidence there was any decent writing in it, and 3) it had been abandoned anyway.

I'm still glad I didn't include it, but rereading it has been fun.  I remember these days as I read about them -- not everything, but most of it. 

All that to say, I am going to come back to it.  It is a good practice, and it made me happy to have an excuse to write every day without feeling the pressure to write something publishable.  And rereading them years later is fun!

It is morning now, so I can't quite make a call for today's Happy Moment, but I can fill you in regarding the current state of the state.

David has graduated from GVSU in accounting.  He has worked for BDO, PWC, and is now working for GM.  He is in Mexico for three weeks for work right now, week two of the three.

Beverly graduated from U of M with a degree in English.  She got a job with Groupon when she graduated and moved to Chicago, and worked there a couple years.  Now she is working for another company called Litera Microsystems (I think), still in Chicago.

Robert is in his first senior year at GVSU majoring in geology, which he loves.   I love that he loves his major!  He will need another year to finish up.  I hope to go visit him on Friday just to catch him for lunch.

Isabelle is living at home and going to Wayne State trying to get her prerequistes done in order to go to U. of Detroit Mercy for dental hygiene.  Her boyfriend, the love of her life, graduates this year, and she is looking forward to marrying him.

Tom is still busy working.  He talks about retiring, but honestly, I think he likes work.  I can't imagine what he would do with himself without it.

Me?  I have been writing.  I have sold two stories.  Two years after Isabelle's graduation, I am still struggling a bit trying to get my bearings though.  I have tried to be disciplined to write, treating it as a part-time job that I was committed to four hours a day.  That was very hard to maintain, I'm sad to say.  Plus, I am not a natural storyteller.  As much as I would love to write more children's stories, they don't come easily to me.  I agonize and writhe internally trying to come up with that unexpected twist that makes for a good story.  I really love to write my own thoughts in my own voice, but those turn out to be hard to sell -- which is very disheartening.  I'm peddling my heart, essentially, and there are no takers.  Very discouraging.  Besides that, I think a lot of women write just like that.  Bleh.

So!  I was very excited to be clued into this call for Writing Coaches for a homeschool company called Brave Writer.  I worked hard for most of a week getting my resume together, cleaning up my blog, taking down some posts that were a little too personal or revealing.  Then threw myself into the application questions when the application became available two days ago.  Finished it up yesterday and submitted it.  And now, I feel like I just had a baby.  Emotionally exhausted.  Filled with the tension of hope.  I want this job!  I really, really want this job!  But I have to calm down and trust God with the whole thing.  I need to rein it in.  If I am a good fit, I trust God will give me favor in their eyes.  If I am not, then then job would make me unhappy anyway, so I can let it go.  But I do hope it works out.

The application process has made me aware of what I have been hungry for since Isabelle graduated.  I have been looking for, hungry for, an anchor for my life and my time post-homeschool.  I do still want to write, but it is hard to make that the stable rock of my existence without anyone specifically to write for -- especially with children's stories coming so hard for me, and with not having any takers for my other pieces.  I have no one to target.  (Plus, the whole industry is frustrating to work with!  The magazines leave writers hanging for months with no response at all.  After three months of nothing but crickets, I'm left to just assume they didn't like or had no need for my piece.  Honestly, would a form rejection email be that difficult to send, just to let me know to move on?)

This opportunity, however, has made me aware that this is why I quit volunteering as a literacy tutor in Detroit, I am reluctant to sign up for a yoga class, and I basically stripped my life of all those types of things.  I feel like I need one significant duty, the anchor.  Then I can build the rest of my life around it.  Without that anchor, I am afraid of filling my life with dozens of those little claims on my time.  I would be in danger of frittering away all my time, even for the rest of my life, and lose out on an opportunity to ever do anything more significant.  As a Writing Coach, I could still write to be published, tutor in Detroit, take a yoga class.  But the job would be the anchor; everything else would fit in around it.  I like that.  And that is why I'm ready to make myself crazy wanting this job!  It is the perfect job for me, and it is what I have been waiting for in my life!

February 17, 2014

Today I woke up feeling ill and unmotivated, although I had problems to solve and work to do.  But as colds go, once I got moving, I felt better and accomplished a lot quite painlessly even before noon.

But my happy moment of the day so far (it's only 4:30 p.m.) was the resolution of a big gaffe on my part.  I volunteered to run the music for my daughter's ballet exams this Friday morning and afternon.  I volunteered, and then I ran the mock exams last week just for practice, which acted as "training," because it is a little nerve-wracking to be know just how the music needs to go.  Once I did the mock exams, that meant no one else was "trained" to do it, so I was committed.  Only THEN did it occur to me that -- hello! -- I TEACH on Friday mornings! WHAT was I thinking?

So one happy moment of this day came when I called my go-to gal for substituting for me in these kinds of emergencies, and she was available and happy to take not just one, but both of my classes this week.  Not only was my problem solved, but now I get two weeks completely off, because next week is our winter break.  Wee!

And my next happy moment of the day is this very moment, because I am blissfully alone.  Waaaahhhhhh!  I haven't been alone in my house in FOREVER.  And so I am happy, happy, happy, as Phil Robertson would say.  =)

But actually, my very first happy moment came early, early this morning.  I heard and briefly woke up to hear my phone receiving text messages in the wee hours of the morning, and I knew it was my sister reporting on her visit to her daughter this past weekend.  It vaguely occurred to me in my foggy brain that I needed to read them ASAP when I woke up -- it was either going to be very good or very bad.  She and her husband made the difficult decision to send their troubled daughter to a Teen Challenge program in Georgia for 15 months, and this was their first visit with her.  Anyway, it was a joy to wake up to read a great report of their visit.  It sounds like she is doing very, very well.

And now, my day will have another "moment," but I have to wait to see whether it will be the news we want or not.  My ballet daughter has submitted video auditions in hopes of being selected to represent our region in an international ballet competition coming up in Auguat.  Today is the day the bigwigs view all the videos of hopeful candidates.  I don't know whether they will actually make their selections today, but I think we should get a little preliminary feedback, such as how many submissions there were and their initial reaction to her, whether she was completely outshone by the others or whether they are considering her.  Her teacher is on the executive board, but because she has a student she is presenting, she will have had to leave the room before the viewings.  She has a friend who will call her and let her know what the buzz was though.

The more time that goes by, the less optimistic I am that it's good news, but we'll see.  We have to keep a Godly perspective here -- she will go to the competition if she is His choice, and she will not if she is not His choice.  I want her to be in God's will, not my will or her own for her entire life, of course, but especially when it comes to her ballet career.

I'll let you know when I know!