January 21, 2025

Wow. I completely forgot I ever created this blog but stumbled upon it this morning. What fun to read and remember. Honestly, we forget so much! Journaling has gone out of style—or maybe it has simply changed forms these days. Now people who want to "journal" do it on Facebook or Instagram. My preference is this quiet, hidden-in-the-corner little blog that no one reads or would ever find. There, but not there, really. 

I've stopped writing altogether in these past years. I've stopped writing and, in reality, stopped thinking and feeling. I know it's true, and it's not healthy, but I don't know what to do about it. 

My first blog, Small Dog, Tall Weeds, seems to have disappeared into cyberspace. I wrote more polished thoughts there, not everyday musings. And honestly, I actually liked much of what I wrote there, so it's too bad it's gone missing. I thought things on the internet never went away—isn't that the ubiquitous warning? But this seems to have honestly gone away. I reached out to Google for help retrieving the content, but not surprisingly, I never heard back. Maybe I should try again. 

Life has changed dramatically since 2018. L is married and pregnant with her second child. Her first child, C, is a year old as of yesterday. So, these kids will only be 13.5 months apart. Precious! But intense. Especially because, while her dancing days are done, she is now the artistic director of her ballet company, she is very much in need of caregivers. As a grandmother, a very weighty and exhausting blessing, indeed!!! I watch C two days per week.

D is married with one child, Z, that I watch three full days per week. And I am working a remote job—technically full-time, but in practice, only part time. And there is always T. He needs a wife to attend to him occasionally! So, life is full.

For the sake of completeness, B is married, no children, living in Chicago. R is dating a sweet gal, no marriage or kids for him yet.

It's great, but in the fullness, I feel like I have lost myself. Have I? I reread what I wrote in this simple, boring little blog, and I enjoy my writer's voice. I enjoy my voice. That's the way I felt about Small Dog, Tall Weeds. I would feel almost ashamed of it when I was away from it, but then I'd come back and reread what I'd written and feel proud and happy. 

I think I will reach out to Google again to try to get it back. And I think I will type here as well. 

The thing about Small Dog is that it did feel a little more public. This is truly, truly private. No one knows about it. 

Yesterday was MLK day, so I was off watching Z. The long weekend was nice. But, as of 11:30 am today, the treadmill begins again. L will drop off C for babysitting until 6:30 or so, when I will drop her back off at the studio. Home around 7:30 pm, wrap up work, and then to bed for 5:45 am wake up to get to D's house to babysit Z.

The thing is, I do have time. I get home and I do decompress, but my decompression is truly wasted time. What I crave is time alone. So when I get a few minutes to myself, I squander the time on Instagram or podcasts. They are my escape. I hate that I waste that time. I want to be productive—memory verses, writing, exercise. But I feel desperate to be left alone, not with another duty or obligation or commitment making a claim on me. 

But stream-of-consciousness writing is a happy place for me, as it is for many women. Now that I've rediscovered this old rag, maybe I'll become a more frequent visitor. 

In keeping with the theme of this blog, this is my happy moment for the day: that I stumbled upon this blog have been reunited with my old blogging self.

P.S. - Great news! I found Small Dog! Duh! I was looking for it in the wrong gmail account. Google is off the hook for deleting it. 😉 Double happy moment!

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Today's happy moment was really more of a thankful moment, and a terrible moment for someone else.  I was on my way to church in Detroit, traveling in the middle lane along the Lodge Freeway, which has cement walls on either side.  Another car about two car lengths ahead of me was in the right lane, minding its own business.  Suddenly, it began fishtailing wildly and crashed into the right wall.  Then it spun around, flew across all three lanes of traffic and crashed into the left wall where it finally stopped. 

Somehow, miraculously, everyone around managed to avoid a collision.  For my part, when I saw his car begin to fishtail, I braked slightly just to slow down.  Everyone else around me must have done the same that the lanes were clear as he flew across.

It was a terrible feeling to drive on!  I wasn't quite sure what to do.  For one thing, I was in the middle lane, right on top of the crash.  By the time I could have gotten over to the shoulder, I would have been 100 yards beyond.  Added to that, I was in downtown Detroit, and there wasn't much of a shoulder anyway.  And, I'm a woman.  As I drove by, I could see the driver still upright behind the steering wheel.  He looked okay.  And in my rearview mirror I saw a couple other cars pulling over. 

So, I am thankful to not have gotten hit myself.  I am thankful that he appeared to be okay.  And I am thankful that other cars did pull over to help him out!

April 28, 2018

Good day, sweet blog.  Today's happy moment was definitely seeing Robert for breakfast.  It was a bright, beautiful (albeit cool) day, and it was wonderful to connect with my young man of mystery.  I am not usually one for praise music, but today I got into it on the two-hour drive out there.  That was fun.

Today is a good day to remember the good moments because generally speaking, it has been a day of bad moments.  On the way home from visiting Robert, an hour of the two-hour drive was spent on the phone with David in Mexico.  It was a difficult conversation.  He is in a bad relationship, and I told him he was doomed to a life of misery if he didn't find the courage to break it off.  Sounds out of line for a mother to tell that to her son, but the situation is extreme, and I am not the only one telling him that.  I am panicked for him.

I sad as I am to see David sad, I suppose it can be construed as a good moment -- just that I had the opportunity to speak frankly to him.  So, there we go.  Good, but not happy.

April 27, 2018

I am recording today's good moment on Saturday, April 28, a day late, in retrospect.  I was supposed to go to see Robert for a visit yesterday, Friday, the 27th.  I try to get out and do that every few months just to stay in touch with this elusive kid.  I had hoped to go for lunch, but he texted the day before and said he wouldn't be free until 5:00.  That disappointed me.  It meant driving in the later afternoon, competing with the Friday night dinner crowd for a restaurant, and then driving home in the dark.  But in talking to him, he seemed happy that I was coming, so I talked myself into going.  I actually took off around 1:00 thinking I'd settle into a coffee shop and do some work on the computer, so if he got done (with his last final, a take home test) early, I'd be available.

Luckily, I texted him to let him know the plan as I was filling up with gas before I left town.  I told him I was heading out early and would be waiting at a Panera.  He responded that now it looked like he wouldn't be done until closer to 6:00.  Bummer.

But something more than just a bummer.  Something just felt off about going at all.  Something told me to beg off and find another time to go next week.  So I called him, and we decided on the next morning (today) instead.

Turns out he had a real problem in finishing this test.  He actually had to contact the professor and ask for an extension, and he didn't end up finishing until 11 pm.  Can you imagine how anxious and frustrated he would have been if he knew I had driven two hours and was waiting for him?

So, I choose that to be the happy moment of April 27, even though it is a hindsight happy.  I am so thankful that (for once) I listened to that still small voice, that little nudge in my spirit that I so often overrule.  I would like to think it was the Holy Spirit.  Well, no apologies.  I do think it was the Holy Spirit.

April 26, 2018

It is morning, but I posted yesterday morning as well, so yesterday's happy moment was never chosen.  So, I am doing a bit of catch-up, being a touch out of sync.  You won't mind though, will you?

My happy moment yesterday was binge watching Call the Midwife with Isabelle last night.  Really, it was more of a happy five hours, if you can believe we actually watched that many!  I love that show.  I absolutely love Sister Julienne especially.  She is my super hero; I want to be just like her.  <sigh>  And I love the rest of the characters too.  I think that show is genius.  Just genius.  How can you have so many good hearts all in one show and have any plot at all?  But they do it!  All protagonists, no antagonists, and it works.  I guess it's because life itself provides enough antagonism without needing characters to do it for us.

That was yesterday's happy moment.  So much so that I am having trouble getting it out of my head as I sit here this morning trying to have a quiet time. 

I also had a lovely time at the park with Oliver.  I hope to have a repeat of that again today!

So, off to have a quiet time, and then find another happy moment for this day, although I did have a happy moment already.  Robert texted me this morning.  That is always a happy moment!  I may run out to GR tomorrow to take him out for lunch if he has time.  He says he will let me know tonight if that will work.  Typical Robert -- no indication whatsoever of any surrounding circumstances.  Not even the merest glimpse into his life or world.  And if I do run out there for lunch, I will certainly carry the conversation, blathering on and on about the murky meanderings of my own mind.  My hope, my goal, as always, is to warm him up enough that he will share even a small tidbit of himself -- his thoughts, his life -- with me, but that doesn't always happen.  And I will be content with a warm rapport, with the knowledge that he knows I love him, that I value time with him enough that I am willing to spend a full four times as many minutes in the car to get there and back as I do in conversation with him.  I want him to know that I am willing, even eager, to do that just for the opportunity to be with him.  If he knows I love him I am content; if I come away feeling like he loves me and enjoys my company, I am especially happy.  (I know he loves me.  I hope he likes me.)

Ta ta for now!  I'm off to do my best impersonation of Sister Julienne today.  I'll be back to let you know how it goes.  =)

April 25, 2018: Happy Moments Reinstated

Good morning!  Years have gone by since I have even visited this little blog.  So much has changed in my life's situation, and this blog missed it all.  Yesterday I applied for a job as a Writing Coach with a company called Brave Writer.  In the process of trying to convince them I could actually string words together to make a cohesive sentence, I revisited some old blogs: my "flagship" blog, smalldogtallweeds.com, and mydogistoofat.blogspot.com.  Mydogistoofat barely got off the ground before I abandoned it because it had to do with me being excited about weight loss and exercise -- a fact which doomed it from the beginning.  I included it in the application process though because the first couple posts were kind of cute.  I didn't include this one because 1) it is very personal and revealing, and 2) I had no confidence there was any decent writing in it, and 3) it had been abandoned anyway.

I'm still glad I didn't include it, but rereading it has been fun.  I remember these days as I read about them -- not everything, but most of it. 

All that to say, I am going to come back to it.  It is a good practice, and it made me happy to have an excuse to write every day without feeling the pressure to write something publishable.  And rereading them years later is fun!

It is morning now, so I can't quite make a call for today's Happy Moment, but I can fill you in regarding the current state of the state.

David has graduated from GVSU in accounting.  He has worked for BDO, PWC, and is now working for GM.  He is in Mexico for three weeks for work right now, week two of the three.

Beverly graduated from U of M with a degree in English.  She got a job with Groupon when she graduated and moved to Chicago, and worked there a couple years.  Now she is working for another company called Litera Microsystems (I think), still in Chicago.

Robert is in his first senior year at GVSU majoring in geology, which he loves.   I love that he loves his major!  He will need another year to finish up.  I hope to go visit him on Friday just to catch him for lunch.

Isabelle is living at home and going to Wayne State trying to get her prerequistes done in order to go to U. of Detroit Mercy for dental hygiene.  Her boyfriend, the love of her life, graduates this year, and she is looking forward to marrying him.

Tom is still busy working.  He talks about retiring, but honestly, I think he likes work.  I can't imagine what he would do with himself without it.

Me?  I have been writing.  I have sold two stories.  Two years after Isabelle's graduation, I am still struggling a bit trying to get my bearings though.  I have tried to be disciplined to write, treating it as a part-time job that I was committed to four hours a day.  That was very hard to maintain, I'm sad to say.  Plus, I am not a natural storyteller.  As much as I would love to write more children's stories, they don't come easily to me.  I agonize and writhe internally trying to come up with that unexpected twist that makes for a good story.  I really love to write my own thoughts in my own voice, but those turn out to be hard to sell -- which is very disheartening.  I'm peddling my heart, essentially, and there are no takers.  Very discouraging.  Besides that, I think a lot of women write just like that.  Bleh.

So!  I was very excited to be clued into this call for Writing Coaches for a homeschool company called Brave Writer.  I worked hard for most of a week getting my resume together, cleaning up my blog, taking down some posts that were a little too personal or revealing.  Then threw myself into the application questions when the application became available two days ago.  Finished it up yesterday and submitted it.  And now, I feel like I just had a baby.  Emotionally exhausted.  Filled with the tension of hope.  I want this job!  I really, really want this job!  But I have to calm down and trust God with the whole thing.  I need to rein it in.  If I am a good fit, I trust God will give me favor in their eyes.  If I am not, then then job would make me unhappy anyway, so I can let it go.  But I do hope it works out.

The application process has made me aware of what I have been hungry for since Isabelle graduated.  I have been looking for, hungry for, an anchor for my life and my time post-homeschool.  I do still want to write, but it is hard to make that the stable rock of my existence without anyone specifically to write for -- especially with children's stories coming so hard for me, and with not having any takers for my other pieces.  I have no one to target.  (Plus, the whole industry is frustrating to work with!  The magazines leave writers hanging for months with no response at all.  After three months of nothing but crickets, I'm left to just assume they didn't like or had no need for my piece.  Honestly, would a form rejection email be that difficult to send, just to let me know to move on?)

This opportunity, however, has made me aware that this is why I quit volunteering as a literacy tutor in Detroit, I am reluctant to sign up for a yoga class, and I basically stripped my life of all those types of things.  I feel like I need one significant duty, the anchor.  Then I can build the rest of my life around it.  Without that anchor, I am afraid of filling my life with dozens of those little claims on my time.  I would be in danger of frittering away all my time, even for the rest of my life, and lose out on an opportunity to ever do anything more significant.  As a Writing Coach, I could still write to be published, tutor in Detroit, take a yoga class.  But the job would be the anchor; everything else would fit in around it.  I like that.  And that is why I'm ready to make myself crazy wanting this job!  It is the perfect job for me, and it is what I have been waiting for in my life!

February 17, 2014

Today I woke up feeling ill and unmotivated, although I had problems to solve and work to do.  But as colds go, once I got moving, I felt better and accomplished a lot quite painlessly even before noon.

But my happy moment of the day so far (it's only 4:30 p.m.) was the resolution of a big gaffe on my part.  I volunteered to run the music for my daughter's ballet exams this Friday morning and afternon.  I volunteered, and then I ran the mock exams last week just for practice, which acted as "training," because it is a little nerve-wracking to be know just how the music needs to go.  Once I did the mock exams, that meant no one else was "trained" to do it, so I was committed.  Only THEN did it occur to me that -- hello! -- I TEACH on Friday mornings! WHAT was I thinking?

So one happy moment of this day came when I called my go-to gal for substituting for me in these kinds of emergencies, and she was available and happy to take not just one, but both of my classes this week.  Not only was my problem solved, but now I get two weeks completely off, because next week is our winter break.  Wee!

And my next happy moment of the day is this very moment, because I am blissfully alone.  Waaaahhhhhh!  I haven't been alone in my house in FOREVER.  And so I am happy, happy, happy, as Phil Robertson would say.  =)

But actually, my very first happy moment came early, early this morning.  I heard and briefly woke up to hear my phone receiving text messages in the wee hours of the morning, and I knew it was my sister reporting on her visit to her daughter this past weekend.  It vaguely occurred to me in my foggy brain that I needed to read them ASAP when I woke up -- it was either going to be very good or very bad.  She and her husband made the difficult decision to send their troubled daughter to a Teen Challenge program in Georgia for 15 months, and this was their first visit with her.  Anyway, it was a joy to wake up to read a great report of their visit.  It sounds like she is doing very, very well.

And now, my day will have another "moment," but I have to wait to see whether it will be the news we want or not.  My ballet daughter has submitted video auditions in hopes of being selected to represent our region in an international ballet competition coming up in Auguat.  Today is the day the bigwigs view all the videos of hopeful candidates.  I don't know whether they will actually make their selections today, but I think we should get a little preliminary feedback, such as how many submissions there were and their initial reaction to her, whether she was completely outshone by the others or whether they are considering her.  Her teacher is on the executive board, but because she has a student she is presenting, she will have had to leave the room before the viewings.  She has a friend who will call her and let her know what the buzz was though.

The more time that goes by, the less optimistic I am that it's good news, but we'll see.  We have to keep a Godly perspective here -- she will go to the competition if she is His choice, and she will not if she is not His choice.  I want her to be in God's will, not my will or her own for her entire life, of course, but especially when it comes to her ballet career.

I'll let you know when I know!

February 15, 2014

Today was a happy day, but in a very quiet, understated way.  I was up early to run music at my daughter's ballet studio.  Her teacher was holding mock exams for her students who will be taking their real ballet exams next week.  That was fun, but...eh, I'm not sure it qualifies as today's happy moment.  My daughter and I ran a few low-key errands, came home, ate a salad for dinner standing at the kitchen island.  That was happy because it was easy and good enough, unlike what dinner is when the boys are home.  

And speaking of the boys not being home, that is a big part of what made the day happy.  I love my son and husband, but seriously, it is nice when they're gone too.  Tom is stressful.  I haven't yet put my finger on why, but he is.  Except that I keep trying to feed him, Robert isn't stressful -- but Tom is.

So today was happy because we girls were alone.  We re-watched Two Weeks Notice tonight, which was very fun, and something we could never have done if the boys were home.

But the most notable happy moment today was finally finishing Isabelle's audition videos for the summer ballet intensive she is applying for.  "Finishing" them only meant editing out a wee bit from the front and back of a handful of clips of her doing some center work in ballet class, and then getting them all into a folder on DropBox.  It was just a relief to get it done and sending the link off to the ballet school.  I'm not sure it was exactly what they wanted -- it was a handful of short clips rather than one.  But we are not savvy enough to know how to merge all the clips into one file.  But this way they can see each individual exercise as they choose, rather than having to wade through five minutes of stuff to see whatever part they might be interested in.  Eh -- they would rather have had one file, but this was the best I could do.  

Anyway, I got it done and she looked beautiful.  There was also included her Aurora variation that we recorded for another audition last December.  C'mon, they have to be impressed with that.  It is beautiful.  And even though I didn't need to because I had already sent them a hardcopy, I did include a picture of her first arabesque in the Dropbox folder.  Man, she is gorgeous -- it's an amazing arabesque.  

So, I guess that was my happiest moment today -- hitting that send button and knowing I could cross that off my to-do list.  Isn't it funny how the longer something stays on your to-do list, the bigger and harder and uglier it gets?  

But now I am about to have another happy moment -- I'm going to bed.  Yippee!  And good night!

Sunday, Apirl 1

Can a happy moment last six hours?  I say yes.  Yesterday my sister from Philly flew in for the day.  She and I and my other two sisters all had lunch together and then came back to my house for apple pie and more conversation.  It was wonderful!

My Cherokee is also fabulous, but I think T may want to take it in to bust some chops tomorrow.  They handed it over to us obviously not cleaned up and with the fuel tank on E.  There was dried mud on the steering wheel and grubby greasy finger marks on the console.  How does any steering wheel get mud on it, let alone a brand new one?  I am so thankful for a husband to take care of ugly things like that for me. 

I imagine he's happy to have me around when tears are flowing around here, but I'm telling you, that whole sales process is not for me!  Last night in bed he said to me, "That guy knew all the sales lines, and you bought them all!"  And he's right!  I did!  Actually, the only one I recognized after the fact was the "I'm in a hurry so let's get this process moving!" bit.  He was trying to rush us into the foo-foo car with all the amenities, which was also one and a half times what we had originally intended to pay!  Thank you, Lord, for T who would not be rushed or talked into anything he didn't want!

But today's happy  moment was the happy six hours with my sisters!

Saturday, March 31

I got a new Jeep Grand Cherokee today!  White.  Rather a stripped down version, which is exactly me.  I didn't feel comfortable with all the hoo-rah of the one we test drove, plus all that extra stuff would have cost us about $12,000 extra!  This one is still an amazing car, will get me through all kinds of weather safely, and has everything I need...  Well, the only thing I'll miss that it turns out this one doesn't have is the button to open the garage door.  My Caravan and T's Durango have that, and they're both pretty stripped down versions too.  Maybe we can look into getting that added.

L had three dance performances today.  They did a show for the residents of a local retirement community.  This beautiful facility has a full stage and auditorium, so they perform there a few times throughout the year.  They also did a "pre-show" performance for friends and family there.  And then she performed at church.

This, along with making the car purchase, and L had a friend spend the night and we all went out to see the movie, The Hunger Games, in the evening -- all this made for an exhausting day.  I'm so tired my head is swimming.

Then tomorrow we're up early again so the girls can perform for the Sunday services at church, but I have to hustle and get my house cleaned up in the morning because my sister from Philly is coming into town for my oldest sister's birthday.  We four sisters will meet at a restaurant, then come back here for dessert and more sisterly bonding.  Then get Philly sister (Becky) back on a plane.  Whew.  I'm too tired to think about it right now.

But I forgot, the purpose of this blog is not to reminisce about the day.  It is to choose the one happy moment.  Of course, it would have to be the first drive in my new, sparkling white Grand Cherokee!!!

Friday, March 30

Last night L was upset about something in a "break my heart" way.  Something she wouldn't tell me was making her sad.  She wasn't even crabby, just sad.  There was a lot of texting going on between her and her friends.

So of course, as any responsible mother would do, I waited until she wasn't looking this morning and read her texts. And I learned what she was so upset about.

It seems the boy she's had a crush on is exactly what T and I feared: a hormonally charged, unscrupulous flirt.  His sister read his text messages and learned that he had convinced another girl to send him pictures of herself.  Beyond that, the girl basically offered herself to him in some form, and it seems he accepted.  Ugh.

I am unhappy for the boy, who is not bad as much as normal and rejecting the parameters of the Christian faith he has been brought up in.  There is nothing to rejoice in in that.  However it is a very happy moment for me, a very relieving moment in that L's infatuation with this boy, who could have been a terribly dangerous influence, is over.


Then on the heels of this sobering revelation, a fun thing that happened -- hmmm, I don't know if this is good or bad, but it was fun -- another boy came onto the scene.  I know I shouldn't be wishing another boy into L's heart; she's way too young for any of that.  But he made eye contact with her from across the room, then made his way over to talk.  This new boy named TJ, L and her friend were standing together talking when I walked into Palaestra to pick her up.  I could tell immediately that 1) he liked L, and 2) he is a nice boy.

So as much as I don't want another boy occupying L's heart, this does two things for us right now.  First, it will keep L from talking herself back into the other boy, and second, it will prove to her what I've been telling her all along:  a lot of boys are going to be attracted to her over the next 10 years; she can definitely afford to be picky.

I am full of praise to God for His great and wondrous work on our behalf!!!!

Having said that, I am sad for the first boy and his family.  I know his parents are strong believers, and I can only imagine are soaking this kid in prayer just as I have been L.  For that reason I have every confidence he will turn himself around eventually and become a good man of strong moral character.

On a lighter note, two other happy moments stand out today.  T called me and announced that he intended to go buy me a brand new Jeep Liberty tomorrow.  Apparently there are some great incentives out there from Jeep, but they expire at the end of March so tomorrow is the last day. 

We need to do something about getting a vehicle for B for the summer, which for her is the end of April when her college term ends.  So we've been considering the possibility of giving her my Grand Caravan and buying a new Liberty for me.  It's an extravagant solution to the problem.  Really, the conservative course would be simply to buy her a good, used car.  But T likes the idea of getting me a new car and giving her the Caravan because it puts a lot more metal around our questionable little driver than if we just got her a used Fiesta or Geo.  Sooooo, why not get her a used something else with more metal?  I dunno.  T has just seemed stuck on this idea that I need a new car and we should give B the Caravan.  That's all I know.  Who am I to argue?

Then he called me from his dinner and said his friends (customers...and friends.) all thought we would be crazy to buy a Liberty when for $3000 more we could have a Grand Cherokee, which has won all these awards and has a "Mercedes suspension," whatever that means.  Just all in all, an amazing car. 

Okay.  I'm easy.  I think the Liberty is cute as a button, but I'm not going to argue with a new Grand Cherokee either! 

Really, if we end up with a new Grand Cherokee, as fun as that would be for me to drive, I'm going to argue that T drive it and I'll drive his Durango.  And before you go thinking I'm all that altruistic, I'll tell you that I'm just not a car buff by any means.  As long as the car can get me where I need to be with everyone I need to haul seat-belted, I'm happy.  I'm even happier if it never gets stuck in the snow.  The Durango is the most amazing snow car ever invented, and T's is a pretty deep red color.  Plus it would make me look tough.  =)   So I'd be happy as a clam driving it. 

And the last fun thing that happened is that my sister, Becky, texted me that she has decided to embark on a four-year program to study to become a registered homeopath.  Wow!  I am so happy for her!  She has spent her entire married life doing her own personal research in one form of alternative medicine or another.  It is truly her passion!  So I am thrilled for her that she is going "official!"

Thursday, March 29

The Candida Diet.  That was my happy moment today.  My CBS core leader has been battling a systemic yeast infection for the past several months and has been following this diet.  It comes up now and then, and every time she has talked about it I have known it would be good for me.  So with no premeditation, this morning I made the decision to begin.  I'm following the food restrictions outlined on the website www.thecandidadiet.com.  After only one day, I'm sold.  This will be good for me.

I made myself some chicken with tomatoes and onion for breakfast, and it was delicious!  I actually ate an entire tomato at lunch, and enjoyed it.  And I discovered that nonfat, plain yogurt is edible without gobs of fruit and sweetener added. 

I love, and I do mean LOVE carbs in every form...well, except in the form of vegetables, unless said vegetable is deep fried.  But I especially love sweets, breads and every other form of uber-refined carb.   And once I eat a little, all I want is more.  I have beaten myself up for years at my lack of self-control in this.  But really, I don't feel well when I eat refined carbs.  I love them, but they leave me feeling somehow just generally yucky inside and out.

When I abstain, I feel better and I stop craving them altogether.  So, I'm excited!  Wish me luck!

Wednesday, March 28

I am so happy in this very moment!  I was a magnificent day, and the best part of it, I'm tempted to say, is right now, just being home!  I love being home.

But the day was full of wonderful things.  I had my CBS Bible study this morning.  I love the women in our discussion group.  There are such varied levels of experience in the Word, varied personalities and varied levels of natural insight.  I've just come to look forward to what each of them has to say.  And the lecture this morning was also meaningful to me.  Maybe I'll touch on that in Small Dog.

Even as I was at my Bible study, however, poor R was texting me from school in a bit of a panic.  His classes for next year had to be finalized today, and he didn't know what to tell the counselor he wanted to take.  I had been planning to make an appointment and talk about next year once we got this medication a little more in hand.  I knew what he thought he wanted to take, but I wasn't sure if he should be repeating some classes to get some low grades replaced on his transcript, or if he should plan on some summer school.

I ended up going into the school about the time he had his appointment so I could be a part of the discussion, and I was really glad I did.  The counselor was very supportive, very informative and very respectful toward R, even though his current grades do not necessarily command much respect.  She seemed to respect his heart to do well and conveyed confidence that once the ADD was under control he would be able to find success.  She said she definitely recommended just letting this year go and move on to better things next year, rather than trying to repeat classes or do summer school.  While maybe the top notch school in the state would be out of reach, the school he would be more likely to apply to would not, and would also be willing to hear in a face-to-face interview his explanation for (what we hope is only) a glitch in his sophomore year grades.  Plus, she recommended a good book to help R understand more about ADD.  I ran out and bought it tonight!  All in all, I was so pleased with her help and advice.

After the Bible study and the school counselor, the day just got busier.  Ran out to get a book from the library that L needed, picked up the FedEx delivery we missed (D's birthday iPhone!), picked up the ADD book from the bookstore, dropped L off with a friend, and headed off the R's first JV baseball double-header.  Then back to pick up L from the friend's house, brought Taco Bell home for dinner, and WHEW!  We're home!  Just in time for the kids to have some time for homework and off to bed.  How nice for me that neither of them need the computer so I get a little alone time to blog.

So of all this, which would I consider my happy moment?  As much as I'm loving being home and warm right now (the baseball games were COLD!!!!), and as much as I loved my Bible study this morning, I have to go with the appointment with the counselor.  It is such a load off my heart to know that we will be able to put academic year behind us come June.  I hated the idea of R having to repeat a course or do summer school, and I am so thrilled that it's not too late for him, that a four-year university experience is still a possibility for him as long as he gets it together pronto.  And he does seem motivated to do just that.  So, thank you Ms High School Counselor!  You made my day!

Tuesday, March 27

Tomorrow R has to do a presentation in his English class about an older relative of his.  This relative is supposed to be alive, a requirement he skirted because he wanted to talk about my dad who died when I was 18, long before he was born.  Somehow R stumbled upon a photo of my dad's plane in WWII falling out of formation, full of bullet holes.  Apparently after the bombers dropped the bombs, they were required to take a picture, so that's what the picture was supposed to be of.  And indeed, you can see the bombs, but my dad's plane was also there.  I think my dad told me that their plane was badly enough damaged that they really should have ejected, but being over enemy territory they were too afraid, so they nursed the plane to safety.  Lucky for me!

I wonder if it was that picture that drew R to my dad.  Maybe that picture is a part of why R wants to be a pilot himself.  Anyway, R needed to ask me all the questions about him that he couldn't ask my dad himself.  That was my happy moment, remembering myself all the wonderful qualities about my dad, retelling the few stories he told me about his childhood and years in the war, how my mom and dad met, and life with him as a kid. 

I'm so sorry he never had a chance to meet my kids.  He would have loved to go to the boys' baseball and hockey games.  L's dance recitals maybe not so much, but he would have loved just knowing and being around all the kids.

Monday, March 26

Today's peace with L lent sunshine to everything else in the day, so it's hard to choose a happy moment exactly.  I suppose I'd have to choose our stroll through Kroger after dance.  R was at baseball and I had dropped L's friend off from dance.  I told her I was heading back to Kroger to get the hamburger I forgot to buy yesterday.  Much to my surprise she wanted to come along, and it turned out to be a delightful time of conversation.  She wanted to tell me every little detail of who said what, who did what and who behaved badly at the Hunger Games party now several days past.  We're back on an even keel.

I also had a nice conversation with R after we had dropped L off at dance and were off to get him a haircut.  It warmed my heart to hear R agree with me that L's social situation was tricky.  Her infatuation with this kid has more to do with a very constricted social world than any shining virtue on the kid's part.  He's the only boy she knows who isn't socially awkward, and he's paid her some attention.  That's all it boils down to!  And he continues to pay her attention.  He's a flirt.

So the answer may be to pray that God would provide a way for her social world to expand somehow.  Ironically, as much as she herself agrees she would like more people in her world, she has always been extremely resistant to any new social venture.  I am not going to go looking myself for something on her behalf because she would just dig her heels in and refuse to go.  The first place I would recommend if it were up to me is the youth group at our church, as much as T and are usually anti-youth group.  But I want God to do this, just like He brought her whole dance world and current friendship situation to us.  Even like yesterday's verse says, "And no creature is hidden from His sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account." (Hebrews 4:13)  He knows her and knows how she works.  He can maneuver her to exactly where He wants her to be.  I will entrust her to Him.

Sunday, March 25

Yesterday's shining moment came at church.  When we got there I was disappointed to discover that there was a guest speaker.  My ire was further piqued that the guest speaker was Chuck Gaidica, a local TV personality around here, actually the weatherman.  I've been a little bothered with our church in the past few years that they seem a little star struck.  We have another local TV personality who attends our church, and she gets a lot of air time also.

I know their thinking is just to leverage these folks' celebrity for the sake of the gospel.  If people from the community will walk through the doors to see Chuck Gaidica or Joanne Purtan when otherwise they would never come, then let's use that tool that God has given us.

I get it.  I just can't get beyond it feeling a little wrong.  I'm sure CG and JP are lovely people and devout in their faith, but church should be the one place where there are no celebrities.  Church should be the place where we are all on equal footing and Jesus is the only celebrity.  Well, except Bob, our pastor -- he's a celebrity in my book!

So anyway, I was already a little annoyed that Chuck Gaidica was the speaker.  (Of all the devout men in our church who have studied the Word and loved and served the Lord for years, CG gains the microphone because he's on TV...I don't know.  I just can't get past that.  I'm not saying CG doesn't love the Lord.  I'm only saying he was given that privilege for the wrong reason.  I don't think he merits my respect spiritually just because he's on TV!)

Okay, done venting.  As I was saying, I was already annoyed that I was going to have to listen to CG for 45 minutes.  For the sake of my family and those around me, I vowed to do it without fidgeting, maintaining eye contact and keeping my face impassive.

And I was pleasantly surprised, of course.  After that much arguing with myself, of course, I was bound to be proven wrong in my estimation of the man.  His teaching touched my heart.

He spoke on "Why is God Great," and he began with talking about the mind-boggling vastness of the universe.  He probably went on about a few other things that we would consider great about God -- my mind did wander a bit.  But then he talked about how over the years he has hosted a number of telethons for charity, usually for children, and how one plaque he was given in honor of this work had the following quote:  "A man never stands so tall as when he stoops to help a child."

He used that as a segue-way to the idea that God, in all His enormity and greatness, comes down to be with us.  The Word reminds us over and over, 22 times I think he said, that God has said, "I am with you always."  He comes down to us, and that is why He is great.  He comes down.

I needed Him to come down to me today, to be with me.  And I will tomorrow and the next day and the next.  And I agree with Chuck Gaidica -- He is great because He comes down.

Saturday, March 24

How does that song go?  Make new friends, but keep the old, for one is silver and the other gold.

My happy moment today was definitely spending time with old friends, our gold.  It was an easy, casual evening eating tacos and  watching the Red Wings come back from being three goals down for the win.  R and L both were terribly out of sorts with each other and with the world in general as a result of their various sleepless adventures of the night before (and the night before that for L).  For that reason it was even better just to leave them to their crabbiness and let them further ruin each other's evenings rather than ours.  =)

Friday, March 23

Today was a wonderful day!!!  There are a lot of things I could point to as happy moments, mostly because I had a very unusual day all to myself.  I spent it pretty much responsibly, although I was unsuccessful in getting our checking account to balance!  What's up with that???  I'm off by $130 and I haven't found the error yet.  But even that didn't disrupt my enjoyment of a quiet house for 4 hours before I had to leave.

But the awesome moment of the day came at the pediatrician's office with R.  We finally had the long awaited consultation about his ADD.  On the one hand it couldn't come fast enough (really, I only had to wait one week and one day for it), but on the other I was dreading having to convince another person that something else was going on besides plain laziness on R's part.  T and D had definitely put a dent in my confidence; they both think he's just lazy.  (T flips back and forth, but the more time dragged on, the more he was singing the lazy song.)

I was so thankful for this pediatrician.  He asked and then listened and listened and listened to what brought us to the point of investigating this in the first place.  He didn't even reveal right away that he had read the psychologist's report at all.  But when I was done, he told us he'd read the report and that he did agree that between what I just told him and the psychologist's report that this did sound like classic Inattentive ADD and he did think medication would help.  Then it was his turn to talk, and he spent at least half and hour explaining everything we'd need to know about the drugs available, their side effects, how to manage things.  He talked to R about his end of things, especially his organizational habits, that the drug will help but he still has to do the work himself.  Also how the drug will suppress his appetite, but he needs to eat anyway at lunch and in the afternoon, even if he doesn't feel hungry.  He needs to be sure to get enough sleep or the drug will not help.  And he assured us of his commitment to keep tweaking until we found the right drug and the right dosage to allow this kid to put some feet on his motivation.  I am so happy to have finally realized some help for this kid! 

Thank You, Lord!

Thursday, March 22

Well, I'm weird, but I do like physics.  After dance today, L was off to her Hunger Games party.  We won't see her again until tomorrow evening.  R was at baseball practice, and then he had a big history test to study for (which he actually did study for), and T was out for dinner.  That left me with some good time alone in the house to exercise, vacuum, clean my floors, get the laundry finished up and balance the checking account.  Aaaaahhhhh, NO.   None of those things happened.  What did happen was physics though, and that was fun!

Do you want to hear something that happened today though that was not a happy moment, more of an appalling in a funny/sad way moment?  Every Thursday I take L's old childhood friend and our next door neighbor to dance.  Her dance class starts as L's finishes, so the idea is that I'm heading back that way anyway, and her mom works at that time.  This girl is a nervous thing, not comfortable with the 20 minute car ride with me.  Every week I do my best to make chit-chat, but she immediately pulls out her cell phone and starts texting away.  She'll make short little responses to my attempts at conversation, but in general, the conversation dies.  So I make a feeble attempt every week, but in general have decided to just be comfortable with silence, the radio, and the clickity-clack of her texting.  All this just to say, for 15 she's a bit socially immature.

How can I hold this against her?  I was the picture of social immaturity and nervousness well into my adulthood! Well, part of the reason her behavior annoys me though is that even amid my nervousness and awkwardness, I had enough social savvy to know to make conversation with the person I was with, to at least to try to be engaged.

Well, today we drove to dance mostly in silence.  The radio played and she clicked away on her cell phone.  When we got to dance I walked in with her because I had things L needed to bring to her party.  She scooted upstairs to her friends, but was called back down by a mom to try on a costume, where is was revealed that upstairs she had been telling her friends that she ran a marathon at school that day.  Umm, what?

My first thought was, she couldn't even have used that as fodder for conversation with me on the awkward car ride here?

But my second thought was...that does not ring true.  Now she was in the midst of moms who began questioning her about it.  She said it was a voluntary thing, if you signed up for it you were excused from classes for the day, they didn't go around the city, only around the track (104 times!?), and it took 6 hours to complete.  She did say she didn't run a lot of it, only walked. 

But still...  Walking a marathon in 6 hours would require a pace of 4.3 miles per hour, which is a pretty good clip.  Keeping that pace up on a treadmill at the gym leaves me in a good sweat after 45 minutes, and this is a girl whose mom picks her up from the bus stop seven doors down from her house! (Well, only when it's raining...now I'm lying!)  I don't know if she even owns a pair of running/walking shoes, unless she just bought them for her gym class this year.  Plus, to do a 6-hour marathon during a school day would require beginning at 7:30 a.m., as soon as school started, and not finishing until 1:30 p.m., one hour before school ended, with no breaks.

When R got home from baseball tonight, I asked him if there was a group walking a marathon on the track today.  Not only had he heard nothing about it, he said his gym class was on the track at 10 a.m. and the only other people out there were from another gym class.

So it was a complete whopper.  Of course.  This is not the first whopper.  She was always a liar as a young kid, but that was usually to get herself out of what she considered a sticky-wicket.  It always unnerved us for L's best friend to be a chronic liar, and we did plenty of talking to L about it.  But we did understand where the lying came from back then.  Back then she lied, but didn't fabricate these complete fish tales.

Now these fish tales are becoming more and more common, to the point that it just gets embarrassing when I talk to her mom.  One day she told us her grandfather had been in the hospital for two weeks, and that's why she was possibly going to have to miss a play they had tickets for.  She told us she'd suddenly (over the weekend) been diagnosed with a hip problem that needed physical therapy.  She told L she had trouble checking on the cat one day when we were out of town because she came down with food poisoning.  Some I have seen right through, like the hip problem or the marathon, so I won't create an embarrassing situation by mentioning it to her mom in casual conversation.  But I did innocently ask about the food poisoning, and of course I had to ask how her mom's dad was doing in the hospital.  (Although I should have figured that one out.  Two weeks in a hospital is almost unheard of these days.  He would have been in either hospice or a rehab center if he had been that sick.)

So her mom knows.  And the lying came up plenty when she was young since she semi-regularly accused L of doing something mean or saying something rude.  Sometimes I listened first hand to a situation unfold, and then hear a completely different version when her mother called to confront me about how nasty L had been.

T thinks I need to call the mom and ask about the marathon just to expose the lying again.  He's mad about it and just wants justice done.  But really, the girl is bordering on mental illness at this point.  Really I should expose the lying to her mom again out of compassion, in the hope of getting the problem addressed.

So why am I telling you this?  I'm evil, that's why.  A part of me has compassion for this kid who just isn't doing well, but another part of me is gloating in her sickness because we have put up with a bit from this family over the years.  This girl, while definitely L's oldest friend and, for most of her life, L's best friend, has not been a very good friend at all.  She has been hurtful and disloyal.  She is the reason I prayed like crazy for God to open new doors of friendship for L, which He did and now she has the ballet gang.  (A gang of ballerinas!  =)  What an image!)  But we've also caught whispers of mean things they say behind our back about R, implying he's a bad boy headed for trouble.  Just infuriated me when I figured that one out. 

But by all appearances we are very friendly with them.  We share rides to places and help each other out when we can.  The husband loves Oliver and feeds him scraps from their dinner fairly regularly.  He also snow-blows our driveway for us sometimes, even when T and R are home to do it.  So nice.  And a lot of convenient borrowing has gone on in both directions over the years.  It's been a good relationship overall.

It's just the kid thing.  Their older son dumped D when they were little because a new boy came along who didn't want D around.  That hurt and made me mad that they let it happen.  But just like L, D went out and made some new friends, much better, healthier friends that he is still close to to this day.  Their daughter has certainly not been loyal to L and they let that happen, even though L has been their daughter's good friend all their lives.  And they say mean things about R.  It's just the kid thing.

Well, I'm all vented.  You see, it was good for me to vent because it forced me to remember the good parts of our relationship with this family over the years.  Now I truly do have more compassion for this sad, needy girl and can let go of my gloating. 

I have to think that it is no coincidence that God has me drive this girl every week to dance all by myself.  All this alone time in the car.  I've got to pray about a way to make the most of this opportunity and love her through this.

Wednesday, March 21

Who could not have had a day full of happy moments with the weather as beautiful as it was today?  Record-breaking 84 degrees in March?  Whoa, baby!

I did wake up still worried about R, but feeling better, more ready to relax and trust God with my good kid.  Went to my Bible study, which was AMAZING.  Our teaching leader has a way of taking everything I've always known about my faith and just putting it on its head, in a good way.  I love her teachings.

L had another good day of school, which is refreshing.  She had most of it done before I got home from Bible study.  Her poster for the Hunger Games party came out great!

Almost done!

Done, but the flash reflected off the yellow and didn't do justice to her shading.  Also, I managed to get it uploaded sideways, but you get the idea.  And there was a little problem of a black splotch on the wing there.  We're still working on fixing that.

On to other happy moments of the day though...my sister's Vera Bradley birthday gifts came in the mail.  Loved them all!  Can't wait to give them to her!

And I got to talk to D on the phone today, even though I just spoke with him a few days ago.  How lucky am I?  I love my D.  =)  Decided on getting him the white iPhone for his birthday coming up.

Went to dinner with T and L tonight while R was at baseball practice.  That was special.

R got an invitation to a girl's sweet sixteen birthday party in the mail today.   That was a bit of a surprise.  But the nice part was when he got home and I asked him about it he said, "Yeah, Hailey is a good friend of mine."  Somehow that warmed my heart, and it captures what I love about R.  R would say something like that.  He would value the friendship he has with her rather than her looks or her social status or even whether she's nice or not, which I'm sure she is if R likes her.  It's hard to put into words, but it strikes my soul as true and good, very R, and not a quality everyone has, to be able to value the friendship over what the other person brings to the table that you value or could make use of.

But the happy moment of the day came on the way home from the Bible study with my friend, Susan.  We always catch up on each other's weeks on the way to and from the Bible study, but as upset as I was about R this morning, I decided not to fill her in.  I just couldn't deal with the pressure of explaining again exactly what inattentive ADD is, defending the idea that it is different from pure laziness, and adding to that the trouble of potentially explaining it to coaches and pediatricians. Even T and D are not convinced that this is anything more than laziness in R, that it is only a character issue.  I just couldn't face having to convince one more person.  So I didn't say anything, and I thought it was a fair bet that she wouldn't ask.

I got away with keeping the conversation focused on her for the ride there, and almost all the way home.  We were almost to our subdivision when she did ask me what the psychologist said.  The last I'd spoken with her I was on my way to the psychologist's office to get his assessment.  In the end I was so thankful she did ask.  I told her everything, and it was an incredible balm to my soul that she understood.  Her son has ADHD, so she understands the concept of it being, in essence, a self-control issue, and yet the physical element playing into the problem. 

I know T is right that even if a pill is going to help R, there are still character issues that need to be addressed.  I wholly agree.  But I am desperate just to get him going on a medication to give him the boost he needs.  Then let's add to it some strict character enforcement: a clean room everyday, consistently good grades.  Then we can meet with his counselor and figure out how to mitigate the damage to his GPA that's been done so far.

Anyway, all that to say, I was so thankful to my friend just for listening and understanding and caring.  Even when I was so determined not to let her in.  That was my happy moment.